Tag Archives: abuse

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

I was recently accused of maliciously and deliberately setting out to inflict emotional pain on someone already in crisis. It was further insinuated that this is something I do routinely for the sole purpose of entertaining myself, as if I derive some sort of twisted pleasure from watching other people suffer.

I take particular issue with this accusation because I most certainly am not the kind of person who would even wish harm on someone, much less set out to cause that harm.

I don’t even wish suffering on those who have hurt me most in my life. At times I even hurt for them, knowing that they will never experience, much less enjoy, some of life’s simplest pleasures, or understand the deeper meaning of “tea for two”.

Because these accusations run so completely contrary to who I am as a person, I cannot bring myself to let them go unchallenged. Writing also gives it a sort of physical form, making it easier to process and providing a place to “put” it all. Perhaps other writers can relate.

So, what the hell happened anyway? Continue reading


Psychopathy: Up Close And Personal

Have you ever known a psychopath? I have, and I’m not using the term flippantly. While I’m certainly no expert in the usual sense of the word, my experience was up close and personal, for an extended period of time. With that and several years of intense personal research, I am reasonably certain about my ‘diagnosis’.

I have attempted on several occasions to write about my experiences, but I’ve never been able to do so coherently because this person’s behavior was so utterly bizarre that it seemed impossible to convey the full impact of it with mere words.

Psychopaths have no conscience and are incapable of feeling compassion or empathy. They are smooth operators, master manipulators and liars; the one I knew lied like healthy people breathe. They live exclusively for themselves, and no-one — no-one — else matters. They are the center of the universe, and everyone else exists solely for their benefit and pleasure. They are entitled to take whatever they want, including but not limited to your sanity, often for no reason apart from their own personal amusement. Continue reading


Secular Homeschooling and Texas Public Schools

For the first time ever, I am seriously considering homeschooling. I work from home, so I have the flexibility needed to manage it. Mike could help via the internet until he’s able to join us permanently.

On searching for homeschool resources in my area, I kept finding Christian and Bible-based curricula . After listing a few well-known sources, one secular homeschool mom said the following:

Unfortunately, these curricula are so steeped in Christianity that even purchasing individual subjects will not shield you from the onslaught of indoctrination. Yes, my friend, even mathematics can be related to the glory of god!

Secular Homeschool

It was through Secular Homeschool that I found several other sites offering support and resources for atheists who want to homeschool, or even Christians and other theists who choose homeschooling but do not want a Bible-based curriculum. Two of the sites I found were Atheist Homeschool.com and Homeschooling Freethinkers, both of which link to a large variety of other sources.

The curriculum packages can be very expensive, and Mike and I are not in a position right now to purchase our top choices. We could do next year, but I’m not sure we can hold out that long due to the nature of the problems at my son’s school, which I will explain shortly.

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A Few Clarifications

There appears to be some confusion about the intent of my recent post, Victims Wanted, and I would like to try and clarify a few things.

First I would like to call your attention to the opening paragraph:

[…] in pondering the unrelenting claim by Feministe bloggers and readers that asking why victims and survivors of domestic violence stay is always victim-blaming, a few other why? questions occurred to me and I had to get them out of my head and on the page:

You see, Victims Wanted is really just a brainstorm that I wrote in a state of bewilderment over the unwillingness of certain feminists to even consider a perspective that doesn’t line up with most everyone else’s. But it seems the questions that were spinning around in my head that day have been mistaken for assertions and/or conclusions. So I would like to try and make a few clarifications:

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Victims Wanted

I’ll try not to ramble on too much here; I’m really pressed for time. But in pondering the unrelenting claim by Feministe bloggers and readers that asking why victims and survivors of domestic violence stay is always victim-blaming, a few other why? questions occurred to me and I had to get them out of my head and on the page:

Why do they so desperately need victims and survivors to be offended by this question?

I’ve said numerous times over the past week, that I am a survivor of three decades of abuse, and I am not always offended by the question. I don’t believe it’s always intended to blame me. Doesn’t my perspective count for anything? If so, why is everyone frothing at the mouth over it? And if not, why not? Because it doesn’t fit their agenda?

Why do they insist on imposing this doctrine on people? Because where there’s no victim there’s no cause? The more victims they have and the more ways they can invent for us to be re-victimized (and brainwashed into believing it) the more stuff they have to rally around and shout about?

Why is it so difficult for them to think outside the box? Why, as so-called advocates for the abused, can’t they just be happy that I’m OK; that I’ve moved beyond being a victim and encourage other people to do the same? Why do they insist on trying to steal my agency; on telling me what to think, how to feel and how I should express it?

Isn’t there enough actual abuse taking place in the world? Do they really need a Victims Wanted sign in the window?

Now I’m braced for the onslaught. Thinking for one’s self and asking uncomfortable questions which challenge people’s thinking, gets you into very deep, hot water with these people.

Now let the frothing begin.

By the way, here’s another genius who admits to not reading all the material, but yet has the nerve to assume that I have no experience with domestic violence. Par for the course. Like I’ve said before, if it doesn’t line up with their preconceived ideas, it can’t possibly exist.


Time Out

I need a break.

I’ve been reading and writing about domestic violence and the issues surrounding it, every day for nearly a week. It’s been quite an emotional drain. I’m shutting down my laptop for a while and taking a much needed rest. I will be away indefinitely; I have a lot of other stuff I need to be taking care of and I can’t say how long it will take.

Thanks to everyone who has commented here and for the links from various places in the blogosphere. I think it’s vital that we keep talking about it, even when we disagree. Please continue commenting and sharing your thoughts, but keep in mind that I do moderate all comments and will not be around to approve them for a while. I’ll catch up on all that after I’ve had time to clear my head, and take care of other business.

Keep the communication flowing!


Feminist Language

Feminists want to control your language; feminists want to tell you how to talk. – George Carlin

I used to proudly identify as a feminist. But that was back when I still believed that feminism was about women empowering themselves as a category of individuals, and women supporting women. In recent years, I have become somewhat disillusioned. In recent weeks, I’ve had my disillusionment validated in a variety of ways. The most recent, and perhaps final blow came when I read this post and subsequent comments at Feministe.

The discussion is about asking why victims of domestic violence stay – a question which many people seem to think of as victim-blaming/shaming. And to some people, intent, context and/or tone are completely irrelevant. If you say the words, you are blaming the victim and enabling abusers. End of story. Get your language right.

That’s not the worst of it: once you get the language wrong, there is no turning back. No explanation or apology is sufficient, and anyone who attempts to reach out to you in an attempt to create an atmosphere of safety and understanding is quickly bullied into silence with implicit threats of also being branded as an abuser-enabling victim-blamer. And who is willing to pay the eternal price for that?

Well, I guess I am. As a survivor of domestic violence myself, I’m here to say, without apology, that asking why victims of domestic violence stay is not an inherently harmful question. Context, tone and intent are completely relevant, and that doesn’t change just because feminists say so.

A few people have suggested rephrasing the question. I say let those people rephrase it. There’s nothing wrong with that, if it’s what they need to do for themselves. But if they can rephrase my question in a way that they find more appropriate or acceptable, without actually changing the question, then apparently they understood my intent to begin with.

So why all the semantics? As you probably guessed, I have a few thoughts on that as well.

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