From the comedic genius, Tim Minchin:
Category Archives: Humor
So, I decided to have a couple of drinks last night. I wasn’t terribly drunk, but I was feeling good. Bonnie and I were listening to The Beatles, who we both love. I thought I’d share this amusing exchange:
Lottie: Which movie did they sing Help in?
Lottie: Uh huh.
Bonnie: The name of the movie is Help.
Lottie: [cracks up laughing like a total dork] See, you can’t talk to me about these things while I’m doing this. [motions to glass of Jameson on the rocks]
OK, so maybe you had to be there.
Anyway, the song has been playing in my head all day, and it occurred to me how perfectly appropriate it actually is right now. So it is with deep love and gratitude that I dedicate this song to my best girlfriend and sister of my heart.
It’s time to come clean. I’ve been doing this for far too long, and all the secrecy and sneaking around is beginning to wear on me.
I strive to be a good and decent person, but I am only human, so it’s inevitable that I will sometimes falter.
The time has come to get this out into the open: to clear my conscience and let my readers, friends and loved ones know what kind of a person I really am. So I am removing the mask, revealing my secret, and confessing my sin.
Late at night, when I’m alone and have trouble sleeping (which is most of the time) I slip out of bed, lock my bedroom door, switch on the television and watch reruns of House.
I know… And you probably thought I was just smoking pot or something. If only it were so benign.
Dr. House is an amazing character. He’s arrogant, obnoxious and condescending. And that’s on a good day. Typically, he harasses and deliberately humiliates his subordinates; having nothing but contempt for authority, he treats his Chief of Staff in just about the same way. Only, with Dr. Cuddy, he heaps on an extra layer of humiliation with constant reminders that, given the choice between following her instructions and following his, the rest of the staff will defy her every time.
House is crude, abrasive and egocentric. His bedside manner is appalling: he shows absolutely no sympathy or compassion for his patients, and in fact, routinely criticizes and insults them, blaming them for their illness or injury and attributing it their own stupidity.
He is a bitter, unkempt, misogynistic curmudgeon who makes no secret of his addiction to Vicodin. He indiscriminately swallows handfuls of pills in front of, well, anyone at all, even his patients, and he has his subordinates write prescriptions for him.
If he were real, and you met him in person, you might want to punch him in the face, even if you weren’t prone to violence. He’s rude, thoughtless and downright mean a lot of the time.
He uses unconventional and risky methods for diagnosing and treating patients. Informed consent and doctor-patient privilege are meaningless to him; the ends justifies the means.
Dr. House cannot be trusted to keep a promise, a secret or even an appointment.
But you can trust him with your life, and you can take that to the bank.
He’ll do anything and everything to save and cure you, if only to prove that he was right and to earn gloating privileges.
But I think there’s more to Dr. House than meets the eye. Behind the mask of confidence, self-assurance and independence, he has a need to be understood and validated, liked and even loved. The problem is that he’s terrified of all these feelings, so he denies them and mocks anyone who suggests that needing people is anything more than a gross character flaw.
House is the good guy and the bad guy, the hero and the villain. You love to hate him and hate to love him.
Kind of makes me wish I smoked pot.
I had today off. Well, sort of.
Since I didn’t have to work for my employer, I decided to catch up on a few projects around the house. By the time we finished school and everything else, I was more tired than I usually am after working (for pay) all day.
I’ve just finished the dinner dishes and still have several things to do before I can collapse for the night. I wanted to take a few minutes, though, to thank everyone who keeps checking in even though I haven’t been posting much lately.
I also appreciate the nice, supportive emails and I will catch up with those as soon as I possibly can. Just composing these few lines has been something of a challenge, and I prefer to answer emails when I can give them the attention they deserve. Right now, I’m asleep at the wheel.
That’s about all I’ve got left in me for tonight. I’ll close with another photo from Funnyville. It illustrates perfectly how I feel right now, and I think my dear friend and chosen sister will appreciate it.
Hope this makes you smile, Bonnie! I’ll catch up with you in morning.
In response to someone spamming Bible verses on her blog, Dam, author of Raising Kids Without Religion, wrote a post asking what the spammer (and those like him) expect Bible verses to mean to people who see the Bible as nothing more than folklore and fairy tales.
I’ve often wondered, myself, why some Christians take this approach. In an effort to demonstrate just how meaningless the words are to people who don’t believe in them, I posted a Wiccan chant for Ezekiel, the Bible spammer. Apparently it’s a spell used by Wiccans to bind troublemakers.
I thought it was funny.
Well, who the heck knew that a cute little poem about bubbles and cauldrons would make the poor guy loose his ever-loving mind? Actually, I suspect he did that a long time ago, but my little joke certainly did set him off.
According to Zeke, copying and pasting a Wiccan chant makes me a witch! In fact, he has dedicated an entire page to me on his blog, entitled, Lottie the Witch! I’ve been called a lot of things, but never a witch. Not in the literal sense, anyway.
I’m absolutely charmed!
But I’m a little worried too. Because later in the comments section, I copied and pasted a Bible verse. I’m thinking that if Zeke is right, then following his logic, I am now a Christian. Only I don’t want to be a Christian. I’ve done that before and it didn’t work out. Being atheist was fine, but I was getting a little bored with it, so being a witch would actually have been a refreshing change of pace. All the spells and incantations… It was going to be a lot of fun.
So now what? Do I get to keep being a witch since I copied and pasted a Wiccan chant? Do I have be a Christian again because I copied and pasted a Bible verse? Or maybe the bible verse just cancels out the chant and I can go back to being a boring atheist with nothing to live for.
I think I know how to solve this:
Teh Stupid! It burns! These goggles, they do nothing!
There, now I’ve quoted an atheist. And that’s no copy and paste job! I typed it all out, letter by letter, just to be extra sure that I’m really back to being atheist. Phrew! That was close. It’s great to be back to my old self.
And now that I’m back to my old self, let me tell you how deluded my buddy, Zeke, is. After I blacklisted his name and IP address so that all his spam comments and threats started going directly where they belong, he started emailing me the same shit through my contact page. In one of the emails he asks:
Whats with the multiple WordPress usernames you have all on the same IP?
There are a couple of problems with this. One, I have one username and no one else uses this computer. Two, I have not commented on his blog or corresponded with him in any way that would allow him access to my IP address. This was quite deliberate on my part.
Given that he’s asked this privately via email, it couldn’t be that he’s deliberately bullshitting to try and make me look bad somehow. So, I can only assume that he actually believes it.
<cue Twilight Zone music>
But wait there’s more! Zeke either has several other blogs or a few buddies who are just as, uh, confused, shall we say, as he is. I received a pingback from one of them and another one is so outraged, he’s reported my evil deeds to WordPress! How dare they allow witches to cast spells on decent Christian folks?! WordPress should only allow Christians to cast prayers on any moving target that strikes their fancy, and threaten people with eternal damnation for not believing in their invisible deity.
Yes, something must be done about Lottie the Witch, at once! Burn her at the stake, if they must, but stop her! Stop her now!
But here’s the part that really confuses me: Zeke claims that there is no power apart from Jesus which means that my so-called witchcraft can’t do jack. So then why all the outrage? Why piss and moan and complain to WordPress? Not that I’m a bit worried, mind you; it just doesn’t make sense.
Why go to so much trouble to stop someone from doing something that isn’t really doing anything anyway? Do they need WordPress as back up in case Jesus doesn’t come through and protect them from the witchcraft that doesn’t have any power in the first place?
It’s all very confusing.
I suppose I should actually thank ‘them’, though. All the links and hits I’m getting from them will help boost my Google rankings. Come to think of it, they’re actually helping me promote my Evil Atheist Agenda! Oh dear! Do you suppose that means they’re all atheists now?
I could make a special page entitled, Zeke And Friends: Evil Atheists. Or should I give them each their very own pages? What do you guys think?