From an American to Americans
So you don’t like “public, socialised” America….
Obama is selling America to socialism! We–the rich, lazy, elitist upper classes–should not be forced to pay for basic human needs of others–that’s socialism! We hate public services–they’re always inferior to private services!
We say NO to socialism!!
Ok…
* Have an emergency? Don’t dial public, socialised 911–call customer service for your home security system.
* Getting mugged? Don’t call the public, socialised police–YOU get to call a private security firm like Blackwater (who will then shoot you accidentally while the mugger escapes and later claim you were doing the hokey pokey and turning yourself about while shouting in Farsi and holding a grenade with the pin taken out).
* House burning down? Don’t call the public, socialised fire department–YOU get to call a private firefighting outfit (if one even exists) and pay a hefty fee for the water, truck use, travel time to and from, and labour. And we’ll need you to sign this insurance form for our guys as well…
* Car crash? Don’t call the public, socialised ambulance–YOU get to wait on a private health care provider to send an ambulance just for you, as soon as you provide proof of income, proof of insurance, and sign and initial these “Promise to Pay” and “Litigation Waiver” forms…
* Hot outside, isn’t it? Don’t turn on that air conditioning and use that public, socialised power infrastructure!–YOU get to string your very own power cables built on your very own poles.
* Need a book for your child? Don’t use the public, socialised library–YOU get to pay full price plus half at the local Barnes and Noble. And you’re required to feel good about it, since you’ll be supporting a private business.
* Like showering? Don’t use that public, socialised water system!–YOU get to shower with 100% private Ozarka water, available at the local Wal-Mart in convenient two-gallon jugs.
* Enjoy the internet or phone calls? Don’t use that public, socialised wire that connects your neighbourhood to the city network–YOU get to lay down your OWN cable and fiberoptic wires! There might be a “For Dummies” book about that at the local libra–oh, wait…
* Need to go to the grocery store? Don’t use that public, socialised road grid!–YOU get to buy your own pieces of asphalt to lay down beneath your car wheels (and make sure it’s not a GM or Chrysler car–those are socialised, too) to drive on. Best to buy two pieces and leapfrog your way to the store–and hurry it up: closing time’s in eight hours!
* Want an education? Don’t use that public, socialised university system for your undergraduate or graduate degree!–YOU get the special privilege of applying to the 100% private university: Rice! Assuming you get in (after all, being private, it doesn’t have the federal government forcing it to take qualified applicants), don’t take those public, socialised government loans! Pay your own damn way! This is America, for Christ’s sake! Get off your ass, work nine jobs, and pay for your OWN education! Don’t expect my tax dollars (in the form of Stafford loans, federal scholarships and grants, teaching assistantships at public universities, etc) to pay for you!
* Got a letter or a bill to send? Don’t use that public, socialised postal system!–YOU get to send your letters, bills, postcards, &c, via one of the great private carriers–like FedEx or DHL! Sure, they may be more expensive, but you can rest at night knowing you’ve STUCK IT to all those damn freeloaders by spending more of your own hard-earned money on a service that won’t be on time anyway! Kudos to you!
* Support the troops? Why?! Don’t support that public, socialised Clusterfuck Military Machine–YOU get to fund your OWN clusterfuck military machine–like Blackwater!
* Do you breathe? Stop! Don’t breathe that public, socialised air!–YOU get to buy cans of your OWN air to suck on, since government initiatives aimed at curbing pollutants in the air are supported by public monies.
* Want to ride in an aeroplane securely? Don’t pass through that public, socialised TSA security point–YOU should make a statement by refusing to submit to security searches ON PRINCIPLE: just because EVERYONE ELSE wants to be safe doesn’t mean you have to be safe! Especially if it means submitting to a government-run security service. What a waste of taxpayer dollars!
* Garbage stinking up the house? Don’t use that public, socialised dumpster OR the public, socialised garbage truck!–YOU get to do…something else, anyway, with your garbage. Burn it! Pollute the air–that’ll show the EPA!
* Border problems? No problem! Don’t use a public, social imposition like a national border!–YOU should stand out against borders! Borders inhibit the free flow of money (flow in one direction, that is: towards the centre of North America). And borders are enforced by government agencies! Clearly, yet another waste of tax dollars!
* Patriotic? WHY?! Don’t support that publicly-funded (ergo: obviously socialist) representative government in your statehouse OR Washington!–YOU get to found your own technocratic theocracy without the inconvenience of a Constitution…a land where the dollar runs free–freely over those lazy poor fucks you hate! In fact, you can get rid of those people, since they won’t have any rights in the new Democratic Capitalists’ Republic of America, Inc., LLC.
Yes sir, my conservative friends: just follow the easy steps above and you’ll be well on your way to singing, “America the Beautiful” (as soon as you have the rights to perform it in public, have paid for the venue, acquired insurance in case anyone’s hurt while singing…)
Thanks to Kelsie (an American friend of mine) for writing this!
